10 weeks

So this week was like a peaking and troughing graph. Some OK days where I was productive, tidied and did some jobs and some shit days that I have 0/10 on my diary and pity party quotes such as 'can I just be put in a coma and woken up when this ends' and 'have I damaged my brain forever?'

Thursday was interesting. I learned about bowels in pregnancy.

If you do not like poo stories then go away, I like them and this is one of them. First of many/

Ouch, ouch, ouch, Ooooo. Bowel ache. Can I push in pregnancy? I was not sure and went to the bathroom. After some time feeling quite distressed, I gave up and went to lie down in a comfy position. Shortly after that there was a gurgling and flushing sound from deep inside me and I had to run to the loo!

Wow! My world!

I thought that I was 'showing' earlier today but after that exodus in the bathroom I realise that it was a poo baby and now my stomach looks like Kelly Holmes' after she had won the 1500metres in Athens.

I think that was my first BM in weeks! Other than that I kind of feel Ok today.

The rentals arrive at the beginning of next week (so I may not blog for a while).

In preperation I have been productive this week and got the house clean and I even went shopping! Up until now poor Bug has been doing everything.

Going shopping here is miserable. It costs the same as pimpy Waitrose in the UK but is as enjoyable as visiting a dirty Asda in Chavtown. The shelves are full of garish, ugly and loud, primary coloured packs of food that are so far removed from its provence or original state that I suspect it was entirely created from salt, cardboard and sugar in a cheap evil lab.

No wonder that North America is so obese. Food is served up in gino portions too. You have to visit a farmers market to get decent chicken and other meats farmed 'free run' plus veg sourced within 200 miles.

I am waffling and I forget what my point is but basically the packaging and smells make me feel grim so I look at the floor a lot in there. Some of the male staff had really bad BO too and I could not enter their aisle. I think one had had an brown accident in his underpants, he was so offensive I had to avoid him by 2 aisles.

Rough few days with some fluffy clouds on the horizon

Rough few days and passed out today in the kitchen! Since I spoke to mum I have tried porridge and it is just like she said it would be. it is easy to absorb and if it does come up then it does not taste offensive. I use 1 minute oats.

On the upside, yesterday we went to friends house for dinner. Bug and i decide to let them know that I am pregnant and cannot eat as I do not want to offend them. plus they would guess anyway as I am not drinking and everyone always catches out the pregnant women that way.

I get a bit more 'fluffy' as the day goes on and I woudl say I am on form at our pals house! I even manage some food yaay! I eat pita bread slices and the dish L made is like a ratatouile and I have a small bit of that. it is yummy. OH AND CHEESECAKE She has made a baked cheesecake. I have a little bit of that.

On the drive home i feel pretty good :) This puts me in a good mood as Bug's parents are coming out here soon and I have been stressing about it a lot. Bug nearly cancelled their trip when I went to hospital. He is swamped at work too and has the biggest presentation of his career the week after they come! The timing isn't great but they do not know about me yet so that is not their fault.

One more thing and that is http://www.helpher.org/

It is a website I found when i googled 'hyperemesis'. It is full of comprehensive research and info about HG and treatments, support groups for mums, dads and family and friends. It is very helpful....a bit sad and moany. That is understandable as their are people on this who are having a dreadful time and need support. Some women on this are almost dead. Honestly! They have it for 9 months and have to be permanently wired up to a feeding machine and do not eat or poop for months. I think some people have died from it. One women posts that her daughter has passed away from it :-(. I imagine with no medical intervention one could. With the meds and IV help i would be buggered - not dead but worse than this.

Told my MUM

I told my mum today that I was up the duff.

I said Mum (pause) erm guess what

'You're pregnant!"

"shit mum, how do you always manage to figure me out???"

She should of been a detective that woman. Anyway then she screamed and squealed for ages and clapped and cried and laughed and was just deeeeelighted.

How she suprises me. in fact everyone suprises me, I should not be so judgemental in the future. Asking is better than assuming.

So then she gets very interesting. I tell her about being really ill and not enjoying this one iota and guess what?

Well, it turns out that my mum had this too with her twin prego. She had HG and was signed off work for 4 months. This is unbelievable news. My mum has had ME/ CFS and she battled her way into work as much as she could with that illness, she was a workaholic and it was a big factor in the mum and dad divorce. So for my Mum to of been off work for 4 months is shocking news, I never would of imagined it but she was totally polaxed too!

I tell her that I am unable to eat and puking everything up. She recommends porridge made with water in very small doses a few times a day, sleeping and that's it. She also had toxima at month 7. I don't know what that is but i make a note to tell my OBs as she says it is important.

Sounds like she has a shit pregnancy with 2 illness and then the suprise of twins at the end. Poor mummy!

How low can I go?

Oh dear, things got a bit worse and ended up admitted in hospital!

So today is Tuesday and last Friday I took a nose dive. I did not think it would get any worse. I was wrong.

I have been finding it harder and harder to even sip liquid and most of the time it is coming out but with more liquids. On Saturday not a single sip would go down, we tried everything: hot tea, cold tea, energy drink, still and fizzy water, slush puppy stuff. But no, it is coming out immediately and I am wrecked.

I stay in bed as I am too dizzy and ill. If I move I am violently sick and everything spins.

By Monday I still cannot drink and I know that this is dangerous now it has been nearly 3 days without liquid going in and more coming out. I go to the bathroom to be sick and just big blobs of blood come out, that then alternates with bile and blood and I have to crawl as I am too tired and dizzy to walk.

I ring Bug at work and tell him about the blood sicks and he comes straight home from work and takes me to the local ER where they get me hooked up on some IVs and in a warm bed.

The IVs are really cold! I don't remember huge amounts about this night, the doctor says something about hyperemesis and twin pregnancies. They put some Gravol into me thru IV. Gravol, they explain is an OTC med in Canada to stop nausea. The only thing is Gravol makes me feel worse, I feel like I am tripping out and spinning! Things get totally weird and then I am really sick. So they give me something else called Zofran and you know what? This stuff works! It is a definate change very quickly.

Zofran is actually a medicine made for Chemotherapy patients (I am reading up on this). It is called an anti-emetic to stop you vomiting and cut some nausea away.

Not much research pins down the causes of hyperemesis so the only treatment for severe cases are drugs developed for cancer treatments. For some women even these do not work.

You know I have known a few people on chemo but I never realised that on the top of a life threatening and painful illness they are made even sicker by chemotherapy! I feel a bit humbled that I am no way as ill as a chemo patient and I also will have a lovely gift at the end of this.

Being ill gives me an insight that I hopefully can use as compassion one day. I have never been so ill before and so I have never got the concept about being 'ill'. I honestly thought you had to think positively and be strong (sorry), get on with it. I was an ignorant twat.

It also makes me realise a couple of things about my old job. I loved my old job, I loved the culture, the work, I loved deadline buzzes and mental hours and hard work. However if someone was ill for a long time and signed off it was a career killer. You just were not sick if you wanted the ladder. I would of killed my career if I was there, I am unable to work...have a shower, get dressed, drink ( I write this up a lot later on a good day).

Hyperemesis is discovered

So the twin puts my Morning Sickness into a different frame - double the trouble indeed. Plus, through the haze of sick I remember that my friend and colleague OS had 6 weeks off work with severe MS after I had emigrated here.

I cannot remember what she called it but open my new book to have a look and see if i can investigate. The book is called 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting' It is massive and American. The front cover is awful! The background graphic is a really ugly quilt and an entirely spray painted woman in the foreground. I just know we would not be friends.

I find the section on morning sickness and there is a little box in the corner called Hyperemesis Gravidaram - That's what OS had! I have all the symptoms - dramatic weight loss (6 kilos in 9 days), food aversions, unable to drink, vomiting way more then 4x a day (try 10+), pytalism, motion sickness, dizzyness. Funnily I do not dwell on it as I am too tired and fall asleep.

OS caused a black cloud being off work for 6 weeks, people don't know about this illness so it is 'unacceptable' to some. It is NOT morning sickness, it more dangerous than that. I totally understand how she would of found work impossible. There is no way in hell she would of even made it to the train station, let alone sat on a moving train and then got into work!

I had no idea of the concept of being very ill from N+V before this but it is seriously bad, bad and dreadful. I am polaxed.

One day I will never forget

I ring the scan place and explain that I think I am 8 weeks while my OBs thought I was 12 and they told me to come right in right away! Yikes!

I rung Bug and he was sadly stuck in a meeting and unable to come. I was feeling very yuk and dizzy so I got the C train down to the centre and was sick in a bag on the train! Nice!

So I am in a nice darkened calm room and there is a big screen in front of me with the innards of my tummy showing. I have never paid these images any attention. When colleagues and friends have bought in pictures of their fetuses I have looked at an image of greyscale noise with some blobs on it and it goes over my head...suddenly this is me and my baby, suddenly it matters!

The sonographer asks me "have you been taking fertility drugs"

"Nope" I say

"Have you had IVF"

"No"

Suddenly something doesn't feel right in the air. It is like a pause, or a 'thing' is hanging above me.

"why, is it alright? Is the baby ok?"

"well....there are two little guys in here, look"

and then she brings the clearest image up on the screen of two little prawns each in their own sack floating in a sea of noise.

I think I must of been silent for a while...twins goes over in my head again and again.

"shit"

I quickly back this up with an explanation as I sound like a bad mother.

"I mean, I am a twin and I was terrible, my poor mum, she didn't sleep for years"

I think of how on earth to tell Bug this news. he is going to have 3 extra mouths to feed not just 2! We will need two of everything, double the expense. How will we manage two babies in a country with no family and what if I get really fat!

"Sorry, what reaction do most people have when they find out they are having twins?"

"A lot of people cry, they are shocked, upset, worried"

"ok"

I have to tell Richard as soon as he is back from work. He rings me about an hour later when I am back home. I decide not to tell him then as he is at work and my not be able to contain his shock privately.

I am feeling kind of down about this and worried. Thoughts such as how will I love 2 as much as I would love 1 baby? One baby suddenly seems like a piece of piss. One of everything to dress, feed and transport, one to focus on, to grow in my belly and love 100%.

I am a twin and although me and my mum are very, very close now, we were not when I was young. Mum did not know she was having twins until L was born and she tried to get up 'you are having another one Mrs W' they said and pushed her down again!

I was a pain in the butt! Breech, 4 pounds and went straight to ICU and spent the next week in an incubator while Mum took L home. Dad came to visit me but Mum could not really get out to the hospital, plus she was probably in shock still.

So I guess what I am worried about is...if I have a little mini me then I just hope we bond. I have a lot longer to get used to twins than my poor mum!

Anyhoooo, back to how I tell Bug it is twins. I am rehearsing all afternoon and have it patted down, a smooth delivery, how to sell the idea of twins to Bug.

In fact what happens is Bug gets home from work and immediately wants to see the scans and know more about it. I tell him that he better sit down and look at the pictures. He looks a little worried actually. I guess he can tell that my state is ruffled. He looks at the scans but I blurt out that 'there are two in there, there are TWO!'.

And his reaction - cool! chuffed, suprised and ... proud!!!! What a man! :-)

Obs day

ManOman! The past 2 days were a punishment for my hike up the Mooster.

Totally polaxed I just lie in the bathroom or the bed and sleep or puke. I am not human anymore boohoo. Pity pity.

I met my obstetrician today for the first time. he is a busy man so it was a whirlwind. luckily Bug made notes of everything he said which is a godsend as i cannot remember a single thing that I have to do from now on!

Bug also advocated for me how shitly sick I have been (I had lost yet more weight by that weigh in). We told him that I cannot eat and drinking is really hard and mostly comes up again. He perscribed me a canadian mornign sickness drug called Diclectin and I have to take x4 a day. he said to just sip at least a litre a day, sip every 10 minutes all day.

He also said no activities esp hiking as I am dehydrated and must not be dehydrated. I am kind of relieved.

He also did not believe that I am only 8 weeks pregnant when my last period date should make me 12 weeks pregnant so I have to arrange an early scan as soon as possible.

Also, sad news as my Granny died. My lovely Grandma Lily who I most took after in the whole family. We are both strapping women, very clumsy and forgetful. She was just great and was one of the peeps behind me being such a keen swimmer. She loved the outdoors and was sport to anything we demanded of her!

I did once nearly kill her by accident about 8 years ago. She has angina and I had cooked my favourite recipe of Jamie Oliver's Thai green curry for supper when she was visiting us for Christmas. I couldn't find the usually large green chillis from the recipe so I bought lots of very little green ones instead and just blended them all into the paste.....I was a chilli dummy as the meal was SO HOT we nearly blew up. It was inedible, disgusting and a health hazard. We all gave up immediately, but Gma refused to and she had tears running down her cheeks. Then she had an angina attack and we had to get her tongue spray from her bag. Made her eat baked beans on toast after that.

In terms of how I feel, today was not as bad as usual. Maybe it is going!

Will you .........

(The Moose with lighting over it - this is a good trail for running, one for the future)

I am crap at hiking now! I can't eat solids so feel very weedy and I know I am slow. For the hike I have oranges cut into quarters to suck on. They are easy but quite acidy so they do make me sick as well! I also have some still water to sip today...we'll see!

Moose Mountain is in Kananaskis Country and actually if you have wa

tched Brokeback Mountain you will know Moose as it is the central location where Jack and Ennis herd their sheep and Ennis at night looks down onto Jack's camp below.

K Country is beautiful and wild and only 45 minutes drive from our house. Before I started getting sick we would be cyclo-crossing our bikes on the MTB trails all around here. It is a free use area. In the national parks cycling is restricted onto roads and I have not yet mentioned how big the gino vehicles are and how bad Albertan drivers are.

So, back to Moose as something great happened today which is why I am blogging again so quickly! BUG PROPOSED!! Yes!!!! on the meadows of Brokeback Mountain. I said yes yes yes ...are you sure...yes yes yes ....really me??? ooh yes please thank you blah blah. He did have to propose twice as a daft French couple, the only other people in the vast open meadows at that time decided to sit 2 metres behind us!!! They had the entire meadows to roam and find somewhere to sit but no, they practically sat on us just as Bug was on his knee proposing to me! Bug whisked me behind a bush and proposed again and I gave a much more demure 'yes' that time.

(looking down onto the meadows - we hid in the bushes to the left)

YIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

A lighting storm was raging over us so we hastily made our way back to the car. I totally bonked out on the way back and the last 2k was impossible. Bug got a bit moody with me and went off ahead, I didn't mind as I had the bear spray and he wants to marry me.

Worst motion sickness

yuk yuk yuk yuk

Slept through today as motion is dangerous! I must not even move my head.

Tomorrow is Bug's Bday hike...just Moose mountain.

OMG I feel so dizzy and vomiting a lot and the nausea is unbearable.

Grim grim grim

Bug's birthday

Today I was determined to be 'good'. It is Bug's birthday and I want him to have a decent meal at PikNik in Calgary. A French bistro that we (usually) both love.

At the moment the idea of entering a french bistro is too scary to contemplate but I am going to do it, even if, like Lizzy I have to run outside to puke!

I went swimming at the my nearest pool. I have been told that swimming can ease symptoms. Now, I usually will swim about 2 and a half miles in the 50 metre pool.....but today I got into the 25m pool and managed ...18 lengths with big rests after each 6 lengths. OMG I am wasted!!!

I also weigh myself on the scales. I last weighed myself here just before the sickness started and I am ashamed to admit that I was 77 kilos (!!). Well 9 days later i am 72.5. Quite some drop.

I make it out to meet Bug. he is at the pub with some colleagues. I join them and order a lime and soda off the waitress. Recently I have not been able to drink still water. It comes straight up again but I have found that naturally sparkling water sipped stays down (??? I don't know either crazeeee).

This is the strangest thing she has ever heard in her life..'Whaaat lime and soda' she says, really slowly. Yes I ask 'Do you have a lime squash or cordial?'

'a co...ordial?'

'you know ..lime?'

'Oh I getcha, yep yep comin up'

She brings over a pint of soda water with about 20 closely packed lime slices wedged around the rim.

'oh, uh thank you' I say thinking....what the hell, where do I even drink this from???

Richard's friend Brian feels sorry for my boring drink and orders me a 'Ceaser'. I have only found out what a ceaser is and I am scared. It is drink 'invented' in Calgary and probably, hopefully only consumed in Calgary.

Basically it is a bloody Mary but instead of tomato juice you use CLAMato juice.....any ideas what that is??? Got an idea but you are thinking it could n't possibly be..but you are right clam juice and watery tomato juice.

I cannot announce a pregnancy so early so how will I get round this obstacle? Just the thought is making me nearly barf all over the pub. Luckily R reads my mind and whenever B visits the bar or washroom or is engrossed in his iphone, Bug sips a bit and then I pretend to sip it but actually nothing enters my mouth.

Poor Bug ends up a bit sipped for our dinner but he is able to enjoy the food anyway. I actually eat some crunchy lettuce. Quite hilarious as that is the side bit of a dish. I ordered some fries but they are sweet potato fries and I instantly know that sweet potatoes will not work and too avoid.

All in all today was the best day so far, the easiest. I was only sick 4 times. Maybe all I need is to be more determined and less soft. Well done moi :)

More of the same old

I continued and still am being violently very sick. I don't even care about the vomiting actually. I dread this nausea. I wish I could describe extreme nausea to you. I am not very wordy and my earlier comment about being a green stagnant pond is in the right area but it has infiltrated every bit of me and I can't concentrate on or do anything else. If I already had children..or a job for that matter I would be neglecting both. This is worrying.

I also am producing huge HUGE amounts of saliva in my mouth. Sorry! I know that is gross but I could fill cups everyday. I have to spit it out or it just makes more sick. I have been very sick at nights too now due to swallowing it in my sleep. I tried to dribble on my pillow but have never dribbled and unfortunatley 33 is too late to learn.

I did find and OBs doctor a while ago and I see him for the first time on the 12th of August when I figure that I will be exactly 8 weeks pregnant. I really hope that he can help me cope with my MS. I do not have a family doctor. Calgary (and Canada) have problems of just not enough family doctors to go round and I have put us both on waiting lists since we moved here.

I hope that I can pull myself together this week as it is Bug's birthday on Friday the 7th and it has not been much fun for him recently with a half delirious girlfriend who is doing nothing back at home apart from mess up the bathroom and stay in bed all day!

Mount Borgeau

So I started the sickness on Tuesday and we had planned to be in Banff on the Friday and to climb Mount Borgeau.

Mt Borgeau is a good hike but quite a long'un of 22k. I was feeling so, so, so bad on the Friday when we arrived that I could not do it. I had a sob fest and wanted to go to hospital. Then I felt guilty at ruining Bug's planned weekend and being such a weak girl about not coping with morning sickness. Plus I had not eaten a thing since Tuesday!

We decided instead to do an easier walk of 12k through Johnston Canyon (beautiful but touristy) and continue up to Ink Pots (still touristy but pretty empty and spectacular). I fell asleep at ink pots and managed my first food since Tuesday - 6 pieces of penne pasta woohoo! I don't care, it stays down! I sip water the entire walk and that stays down too. I find that the walking actually helps as long as I do not move my head and continue in a straight line. I do have to close my eyes if I need to turn. I hope no hungry animals are watching, I would make easy bait.

(us in our steamy tent ooer!)

We are camping in tunnel mountain campground next to Banff. I get up a lot in the night to be sick and hack it through the darkness to the washrooms. I consider sleeping in there. I am in there in the morning being sick and exit the cubicle to get stared at by a bunch of cow women who probably think that I am a drunk!

I cannot eat breakfast. I sit there a stare at the food, I am really hungry but I just cannot eat it. I know by now that if I put it into my mouth and try to eat it I will be very sick. That sounds to me like a mental illness....maybe I am mentally ill. I put some into my mouth and I puke it up about 3 minutes later. I stick to apple juice instead.

Bug is determined to hike Borgeau without me! I just cannot let him do that he never makes any noise or bear calls on the trails and I am still under the illusion that there is a bear behind every tree. I insist on going with him and protecting him with my bear spray.

The hike starts off boring. Up for 90 mins in thick tree cover with no view. The forest we are in feels ancient and damp with moss and lichens growing over knarly old tree fall. I am very, very slow and some absolute Mr Knobhead passes us and says to Bug that he may need to push me up at this rate. #$%)*&^% whoever he is I hope he gets diarrihia in public!

I am intending to stop at the Borgeau Lake which is 7.5k into the trail and is in a beautiful flowery cirque beneath the summit of Borgeau. I get up there and Mr Knob is there. He laughs at my bear spray "ah hahah bear spray snort". What is his problem!!! I hope he gets eaten by a bear, face first. I decide to hike up to the next lake to escape him...only at the next lake there are horseflies filling the air so I continue with Bug to the Harvey Pass.

The view from Harvey Pass is stunning. I can see Sunshine ski village below us in the next valley as well as other valleys that look like no human would even enter them. The lichens on the rocks up here are soft lilacs, purple, oranges, and reds. In the distance in Mount Assiniboine the 'Matterhorn of the Rockies'.

(pic of upper lake on route to Harvey Pass)

I suddenly felt a lot better and end up continuing my walk...the thing is with mountains that trails do not look very far when in fact they are. Also, once you can see the summit it is too tantilising not to summit.

Paula Radcliffe was still running for hours a day at 6 months pregs. I tell myself not to be such a hypochondriac and just do it!

I bonk in the last 90 mins of the descent. In the section through the trees back to the car park I lie down in the path and throw my toys out the pram. Bug makes me eat half a banana and feel the energy pretty quickly from that. We drive straight to Melissa's Steak house in Banff and order two steak dinners.

Only once it comes I nearly puke on the steak and Bug takes it away. I do have some bread and chips tho so that's ok.

The next day I sleep all day and stay in bed pretty ill for the next few days. The hikes were too much and I know I burnt my wick too much. I am still learning some boundaries here. I just need to be able to manage this, harness it and get on with it.