The A* Team

Well I said good bye to my Mum and sister who had a longer stay due to flights being grounded due to the volcano in Iceland hehe!

They were amazing, amazing amazing. They took it in turns every feed to help me get them latched, move their arms out of the way, wipe away slippery milk, take them away and change nappies, cook, clean - everything.

Having kids of my own has made me realise what my parents did for me and I am so grateful to my Mum for being a good mum. She had suprise twins after having had untreated HG for 9 months - can you imagine? I have been so critical of her at times and spent my time with her apologising for being a horrible teenager!

I hope my kids do not grow up and be horrible to me. After all of this it would break my heart.

6 days in and Tandeming

Well, they are 6 days old and I cannot stand letting one cry while I take forever to feed the other one so I started tandeming today. Somehow I started it on my own but it is really hard. They move their arms in the way all the time so you cannot latch them and they are so floppy and small. They fall asleep and need constant waking up. My milk spray out (massive let down) so I need help wiping all the slip away or they cannot latch.

Boohoo

Last night I rang my mum in the UK in utter despair, Helen had been crying for hours on end and wanting to feed non-stop. Their little cries go stright into my nervous system and teamed with utter exhaustion I feel terrible. I know that if this schedule continues I will most certainly end up with PND. Mum and Liz arrive in 12 days - That feels like forever, every day seems to pass very slowly and I am getting terrified of the night as the evenings approach. I have spoken to my doula about how hard I am finding the nights and she is doing 2 consecutive nights with us before Bug returns to work. That is still over a week away and I wish I could fast forward, it feels like forever.

I sound really down don’t I? This is the hardest thing ever, I do not know how much of what I am feeling is from the operation or the adjustment to motherhood or the exhaustion. You certainly learn extreme new limits being a mum. People say how hard and tiring it is - but I had no idea! I am beyond exhausted and my world has shrunk to the size of my sofa where I just feed feed and feed.

Back from Hospital

If you ever have to have a CS then try to get your partner to stay the night with you as it turns you into a blubbering wobbly mess. Richard stayed with me on nights 2 and 3 in the hospital. They gave him a cot for our room and him being there made it possible. It was hard, waiting for the milk to arrive and not sleeping one bit - you will not sleep in hospital! Joe had low blood sugar so I had to feed him every 2 hours and Helen every 3 hours. It took me an age to feed as we were all learning. Luckily I had AJ my postpartum doula to teach me to breast feed properly and used every lactation consultant and nurse going to check every single latch at all the feedings.

note: Breastfeeding does not just happen! I am learning and so are the babies. It takes practise practise practise with constant vigilance on the latch and swallows as well as knowledge about what a good latch and the swallows look like in the first place. I used help constantly at every feed with angling them onto me, checking the latch, listening to swallows and then starting all over again when their latch slips. I have been lucky to escape blisters but am not enjoying it at all, it takes forever to feed them as they are very snoozy and they feed every 2 to 3 hours and then take ages to settle - so just as I settle them after a feed I need to feed again! Seriously! Exhausting stuff! I need to learn tandem feeding asap as last night Helen cried and cried as I was feeding Joe, Bug put her in the walk in wardrobe as he was not impressed so of course I sat there with Joe also crying.

Welcome to the world kiddoes!

Welcome to the world Joseph Edward Thomas Tozer at 6lb and Helen Elizabeth Anne Tozer at 5lb5oz!!!! Born on March 13th at 01:50am by emergency CS.

More details to follow but seeing these two beautiful little miracles changed my life in a second. Tiny perfect little people.

38 weeks and 2 days.

So we got into the L+D ward today for the induction and I said straight away that I just wanted monitoring and if the babies and I checked out fine then I would like to wait a couple more days for labour to start.

The nurse did another NST on the babes and my blood pressure - everything checked out fine only word had got to the head OB that I was refusing inducement so she paid me a visit.

Now, I am not a doctor and they do have our best interests at heart but they also have schedules and weekends and this particaulr doctor was fiercly adamant that I had to be induced or risk the lives of my children and that it was my choice but was I ready to risk their lives? She said that stats show no twins born past 38 weeks due to mortality risk (well if you induce all twins at 38 weeks then there will be few stats for longer gestation willi there!?)

After much chat and compromise I had another sweep and returned later that night for induction if labour had not started.

Upon return I was 4 cm dilated and had felt no pain or contractions so was pleasantly suprised, however, they still wanted to induce me and a new head OB was on duty. Dr BigHands had a dour bedside manner but seemed like a nice man. He wanted to break my waters and give me pitocin as well. Hell no way I said, you can break my waters and wait to see what happens. Dr BigHands said that never works but agreed.

At about 11pm he broke my waters...and full on contrax started immediately. HOLY HECK IT HURT! I bit Bug’s head off if he tried to touch or talk to me as each contrax started but was very grateful when he told me that it had peaked and was on the way down - that halfed the pain.

Anyway I remained in this state with contrax every 2 - 3 mins apart for 2 hours and then Joe’s heart rate strarted dropping sharply and suddenly with each contraction. Dr BigHands came in and watched the read out for some contraxs and they tried me in some different positions, all of which were dropping his HR, Basically, with the waters broken the contractions were squashing his cord and stopping his blood supply and this meant that I needed an emergency C section.

I was almost relieved to hear this as the labour was horrible and not like having a large poo or period pain at all.

I was quickly wheeled into the operating theatre where a super slick team worked like clockwork to get the juniors out into the world. I asked Dr BH to let me know when they had started “We started minutes ago” he said! I could feel tugging and pulling as if I was a suitcase being unpacked but no pain. Suddenly I heard a cry - it was Helen! 2 mins later another cry and Joe was here too! Richard went over to see them and came back to let me know that they were really cute!

20 mins later Bug and I were holding Joe and Helen!! I cuddled Joe and exclaimed that “Oh my god he has ginger hair” (he doesn’t. it was just blood), followed by “I am going to be sick” , I was then sick everywhere for ages so could not hold them :-(

38 weeks and 1 day

We have to be at the hospital for induction at 9am tomorrow and I really do not want to turn up. I desperately to go into labour naturally and have my muscles warm up and not suddenly burst into full on contractions. Also, I am pretty sure that a twin induction will follow into a C section and that would be very inconvienient.